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scarcity

by monom

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1.
terminal 01:47
didn’t have to end like that under cars or on the tracks mom and dad it’s not a scar it’s just a scratch pennies on the quarterback leaving home but leaving tracks punctured by the emptiness i venerate the time i had watch me decompose in this scar city alone all these places are the same i can never go back home dizzy yearning in chicago don’t remember santiago when impaled in colorado ill wake up
2.
evaporating 02:17
exit wounds on the exit route cuarenta y cuatro was something to lose parte de mi que obtuve de ti weeks i was happy at fifteen now my skeleton left to dry on these yellow notes the moment dies and i’m left alone all my friends are leaving this house i used to call home just a dream or so it seems searching for something i’ll never see floating down up the sidewalk with a body that stays close to me i don’t know what i’m supposed to be tracing the veins up and down my sleeve stop my heart don’t let me bleed irreparably i knew that i could sleep and feel the same in a parking lot shot from the pouring rain now you’re haunting the highway fade out sun sets caving under the weight scar city let me into your arms someday flowing salty tears at the everyday reincarnation in desperation l a myriad of nothing to blame infinite decompositions impend despite all of this i ignore i pretend i don’t need this i don’t need you i don’t need my family or forlorn friends oh my god i will make this end scream with a stomach full of labels never read just like god i will end up dead you shot yourself and you’ll do it again
3.
obsession 02:20
choke on the smoke in fated fire hazel giving up but you couldn’t tell what color my eyes were cause you didn’t see them enough cause you’re still afraid of the ending the phone i’m breaking up shattering in separate glasses harmony turned dissonance in distance we distance slow dance insubsistence staring through airplane windows i can almost feel your hands and legs around me as you latch on to something to live for it’s hard to sleep at night cadaver in the beachy light shake my legs awake again the way that i do maybe i was always like this quivering worm underfoot still brutally honest rock wall and the phone call stairwell and the silent juliet i’m afraid of but even this will be over when we’re older begging we can start again when we’re older i’ll call you just to hear your voice i’ll call you just to hear your voicemail
4.
fucked 03:12
i can’t move my limbs sucking out my life between the hole in my lips succubus please talk to me i just want to make you good i just want to tell myself i love you act like you’ll remember my name my calling to fame pretending like i’m worth the same as you dissonantly yelling never telling the truth im just lonely i just met you find solace maybe if i’m ever honest just stop it flaying veins of your adonis i just want to see him bleed to prove that in the end he’s the same as me cause when i brush across your skin and feel the friction of reality i pixelate emotions in your ocean current gravity you burn me off the earth leave me drowning in the well fucking fractals in your iris turning circles of my personal hell everyone i’ll ever meet pretty fleeting showing teeth spinning on the empty street coming to with bloody sheets beetles in my quadriceps beelzebub in my brain i keep dizzying myself with this crying on the train there’s too many people too many people too many people i wish i was one of them
5.
the hospital 02:29
i couldn’t get the smell of you off of me pouring over my hands infinity regret into relapse always fucking up the only chance that ill ever have “i don’t even like you so why do you act like that” breathe on the beat of my heart splitting my atoms apart better than me from the start my void of nonsense opens up to swallow us whole but you could plug it up with the finger that motions for me to go indigo hold let me go home let me feel some comfort in this cold pouring my skin into bodies as long as they fit the mold mist spreading through the screen I regret it all steady blocking out the sun with your silence nails digging through my skin just to peel it off nothing changed a day since the one six a blank skip beginning to being done with it run with it hold back just to manage hate seeing your stupid fucking face around this campus i must be alone for a reason is that what they say to themselves stay in this blatant decay written blood on the shelf we’re both going straight to hell je suis une âme solitaire written by teeth on the stairs three who abandoned me look back and stare till i’m not there
6.
but i won't 02:24
i quit while i’m behind underneath my tongue to the dredges of my mind don’t worry about me i’m fine up until the end in a cold bed i don’t want to wake up again kill myself just to kill my friends breath or vacant dust instead i know it’s all the same to them all the same to me let the ash cover everything i told you i know i’m gonna give up some day i know you love me baby but no one else does so i don’t think i can hold on any longer im sorry red wine and sleeping pills cheap sex and sad films
7.
come to 02:53
this is the night you’ll do it no one around you cares blood-let feral entropy for those who never saw you there why wake up to do my time in this life that was never mine nevermind you don’t give a shit i’m giving in give a shit im giving in beam me up to night white star reach out for god as i open the scar smearing my wrist on the back of her car rip out the sky with my bleeding arms killing the world with my gravity throwing myself off the balcony slowing to stop from the apathy pristine tragedy how did this happen to me i did it to myself i get it from my dad it’s just one night im never this sad fuck all my friends they just make me mad with em go the microscopic pleasures that i had lifeline to that time where i might have made sense of my agony i can’t fucking live like this fill my mouth with pills and mist push me in that warm abyss crave the touch of nothing bliss do some fucking harm to me done with living partially dreaming of the scar city pick up the gun and kill me
8.
dissolve 03:02
drowning in the midnight oil byzantine ice cream man in the sky i talk too much flock apples to the eye i talk too much ban this minivan pledge hate wanton escape dead in the lake we have everything young boy dead in the lake we have everything already he talked too much he talked too much self jumping from body i guess it’s like a brief feeling of falling i jump back to my senses or do i? am i going to die soon? i hope so is this what scarcity feels like?
9.
scarcity 03:12
the waking dreams still beg of me i saw you in my sleep again i saw you in my sleep again i saw you in my sleep again when living in post scarcity i saw you in my sleep again i saw you in my sleep again i saw you in my sleep pretend you never let me pretend you never let me a dying feeling hides the things i wish i wouldn’t say to you i wish i wouldn’t say to you unconscious underneath the neon blue hold me down don’t let me open my eyes let me die let me leave my life behind i flew too close to you now my wings are tethered to your spine leave me out to dry in the club lights fall from my mind as i fall from the sky you couldn’t care less and you won’t even try can i survive just one more night conciousness constrained in me im dying in my sleep again im dying in my sleep again im dying in my sleep again you fucked apart my entropy im dying in my sleep again im dying in my sleep again im dying in my sleep cuz nothing hurts anymore nothing hurts live shit longer i am i can pleasure ponder never never leaving adolescence never never never never
10.
at the gates of bone will you meet me silent or screaming your charred lungs off? a smiling bag in the river why do you always got something to do i wrote this song all alone with no one to play it to i hate everything i cant change like my body and my brain and how they hate each other i shot myself i can’t fall asleep choking on all the memories of everything i couldn’t be did it mean anything did it mean anything
11.
forever 03:33
stabbing at the island in my chest still pangea splitting as we speak i won’t come up again i won’t come down again limp underneath the floor where i belong know you can’t help it but you’re so champaign wish i could kiss you one more time before my veins burst open into streets that i used to see just because you’re just like me im cursed with believing that things will be better not worse shit shivering time is withering slashing the tires of a hearse is this about you or is this about me nobody asks nobody answers nobody sees i am starved in this bedroom being alone for this long the monsters under my bed were under my head in my pillow all along im tired of trying to be like you im tired of trying to act ok im tired of trying to live this way stitch up this heart and hide it away he said goodbye i don’t know why

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released January 1, 2021

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